It was raining, that night….. when I was peacefully watching pirated series, along came a flying cockroach! I repeat-FLYING. It went in through the window! Motherfucker our room is in the freakin 10th floor! How the hell did he do that!? And why choose our room?? There are lots of opened windows in the lower floors, why us? Why?
This bitch is flying like crazy! She ain’t no cockroach! Roaches prefer crawling than flying! She flies like a bee furchrissakes! That’s my worst enemy… a cockroach who enjoys flying….
As soon as she enters our domain, I jumped out of my seat and scrammed to the bathroom! My brother is also afraid of the flying shit. He’s being cum laude doesn’t help him in eliminating the cockbitch! According to his calculations, the best thing to do is to tuck himself under the blanket, and wait for the asshole to get tired… she kept on flying while we kept on screaming our lungs out! My move-evacuate to my friend’s room!
I returned to our room… cautious… I was pressing my body against the wall, grasping a broom, carefully peaking… clear left, clear right… just like war games. All seems normal….. peace…. I asked my brother…. “where’s the motherfucker?” “dunno, gone?” he answered… that didn’t comfort me at all, what’s with the tone of uncertainty!? I was jumpy for the rest of the night… she could be anywhere… waiting for the right moment to scare the hell out of us, or worst… laying eggs!
The next day… I woke up, no sign of the creepy bastard. I went to school (I do go to school). When I got back, still no sign of her, I resume watching my series….
Flapping sounds disturbing my peaceful time… this only means one thing… it’s going down!
She’s in the kitchen! Behind the microwave! I grabbed my trusty broom… WHAK! WHAK! WHAK! Holy shit she hid under the microwave! BANG! I banged a plate on the microwave, hoping that it will scare her. Crap! It did scare her! But she got away; she crawled her way back to her territory, the back of the closet… I got you cornered biatch! I borrowed a baygon (insecticide) from my neighbor; I sprayed some on the side of the closet-her only way out… Victory!
That’s what I thought….
I resumed my DVD marathon…. After a couple of episodes watched… motherfucker! I saw her crawling up my painting! I was like, “WHAT THE FUCK!” that woke my brother, “she’s back” I whispered… “where?” he replied… and then she’s gone again….. I noticed she was dizzy, probably because of the insecticide. That eliminated her flying abilities. That gave us courage… we searched for minutes, and then… “there!” my brother shouted, pointing at the closed window. She hid behind the curtain… “I’ll go get the insecticide, keep an eye on her” I exclaimed. Again, I borrowed the baygon, coz I gave it back after my “victory”. When I got back, I saw the cockroach flying above my brother who is lying on the floor, bathing on his own blood! Of course I’m kidding! So I got back, armed with baygon, “where is she” I asked…”I didn’t see her leave the window, I think she’s still hiding behind the curtain”. I turned on the light on our miniature balcony. It will backlit the curtain, causing the cockroach to cast its silhouette. Smart move, I praised myself… but still, no sign of her… where the fuck is she!?
“There in the kitchen!” cried my brother… I’m sick of this, I told myself… I charged in, armed with a tsinelas… War cry escaped my mouth! “Putangina mo!” the in/famous tagalong version of son of a bitch. WHAK! WHAK! WHAK! My tsinelas slipped my hands! “ammo!” I grabbed another tsinelas! WHAK! “putangina mo!” WHAK! WHAK! I gotta share the glory, your turn brother! Spppraaayyyy!!!! Sppppraaayyyy!! Mother fucker!! Die bitch! Die!!!! Unfortunately, the rice cooker is right in the middle of the battlefield, and I just cooked 5 cups of rice! Damn! Casualties… my brother stopped spraying insecticide; I continued whaking the roach, whaking and cursing… and while beating and cursing the bitch, I remembered my father when he was beating and cursing me! Am I really that annoying back then??
The roach ended up in the sink, unconscious, not crushed, I intended not to crush her to avoid a messy aftermath. The bitch is still twitching, she is still alive… good… I’ll make her pay… the steaming rice caught my eyes… it’s a waste to just throw the insecticide contaminated rice, these fallen allies will get their revenge… I scooped a spoonful of steaming rice then I buried the twitching roach with it!
In a dark corner…. Somewhere in room 1011….. an egg hatched…. “mommy? Where’s my mommy?”