Quiapo (a guide for tourists)

If you are looking for a place to shop, Quiapo is the place to be! Quiapo has everything! From rubix cubes to hardcore sex toys! Of course the sex toys are well hidden, you can pass by them at the overpass! At least they followed the “keep out of reach of children” rule.

If you were stabbed by a random by stander or injected with a random disease contained syringe, do not panic! You just have to check out the “pharmacy” section, wherein they will offer you a wide selection of “Pampa’s”. Pampa’s are medicines that are made of god knows what. Common Pampa’s are:
Pampa Regla (something that lures a female’s monthly visitor. If ya know what I mean)
-it guarantees that it will make you bleed, regardless where.
Pampa Tankad (makes you tall)
-the locals say that this medicine is far more effective than those you see in T.V., where those asian chiks are trying to convince you that the said medicine works.
In your case, try asking for “Pampa gamot ng sugat na nakuha ko dahil sa kakashopping ko sa quiapo” (translation: a medicine that can heal a wound that I got for shopping in quiapo)


Now that you’re healed, it’s time for your revenge! By revenge, it doesn’t have to be done on the person who stabbed you, just choose a random person, trust me, he’ll do the same thing. First, look for a weapon, I recommend you get the 3 for P100 shurikens. I’m not kidding here, they do sell shurikens!

If you want to take a break, you can go watch x rated movies in theaters with sticky flooring and sticky seats. Why sticky you ask? You have to experience it yourself, coz I have no plans on going there! You can also watch dancing naked ladies. I just learned that there is a 24 hour strip club somewhere there in Quiapo. I told you man! They got it all for you!

Be aware of little kids who sell bracelets! You know the show about professional pick pockets? These kids are sort of kinda like them. These kids will grab your hand, and then before you can even react, you are already wearing the goddamn bracelet! Here’s the insanely irritating part, after planting their stupid bracelet on you, they are gonna force you to buy it by telling you their saddest made up story! Furchristssakes please don’t give in! You’ll just encourage those little demons!

Don’t forget to visit the DVD section. They sell good porn, 3 for P100.